


We Survived the End of the World

by jbsullivan17



Series: Don't Let Me Go [7]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergent, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-01 20:06:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17
Summary: Prompt: We survived the end of the world just for you to ignore me but watch me across the room.Canon divergent after 4x11





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you [knowwhatyouwrite](https://knowwhatyouwrite.tumblr.com/) for giving me this, needed some canon divergent in my life!  
> So, I didn't see the promo for 4x12 until a majority of this was written and I was like, fuck it, I'm going to post it anyway. So let's just go with everything after 4x11 doesn't happen.  
> Bellamy still goes after Raven like in the promo but not with Clarke because he promised Abby to keep her safe and though she's safer with him, he's not taking her out in the radiation, he took Miller with him.  
> This was so fun to write. Happy reading.

**1 Month Before the Bunker Door Opens:**

This. Was. Worse. Than. The. Ark.

Clarke was going stir crazy. She had her own space on the Ark, she had room to breathe and be sane, but this... this bunker filled with 1,200 people, both Grounders and Arkers, now one, are all on top of each other.

Yes, there were the other levels, the lower levels with the hydroponic farm and the hydro-generators below that and then the boiler room. The one level she refused to go down to because she locked Bellamy up down there, his dried blood stained the floor. His wrists took months to heal and she blamed herself. She _should_ blame herself, it was her decision. Then she nearly shot him and she just... she couldn’t, whenever it’s him who’s at risk she does whatever she can to keep him safe.

He’s her weakness.

She had that epiphany when he said she’d have to make it a kill shot. That moment has plagued her every day. How could he forgive her when she has done so much he couldn’t forgive, allowed a bomb to be dropped on TonDC knowing Octavia was there, choose Polis over their people, lever after lever after lever, locking him in the bunker and could have nearly killed him, who could forgive all that?

“God, you’re acting like we’re never getting out of here,” Raven grimaced, downing another shot of moonshine before sitting back against the couch.

“What?” Clarke asked snapping out of her thoughts.

“We’re out of here in a month, you’re acting like it’s the end of the world, which we just _survived_.”

“I—I’ve just been thinking about what we’re going to face when we get out.”

“So not Bellamy.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Bellamy, you haven’t spoken to him in three years and the only reason you did then was because you helped him carry a passed out Octavia to her bed. And you said ‘good night.’ Two words, what’s going on? We were all betting on you two getting together.”

“We who? The only one that bet was Jasper and he’s…” Clarke shook her head, she can’t think about Jasper.

“Monty, Miller, Harper, the rest of the delinquents. Even some of the grounders that knew you guys. Indra being one. Octavia doesn’t talk about it because she still misses Lincoln and kinda blames him a little still but you’ve seen him, he’s changed. He’s happier. The weight of the world isn’t on his shoulders. Yet it’s still on yours, why?”

“Someone has to be in charge when we get out of here.”

“Isn’t that what the coalition was for three months ago? Choosing the next Heda without Nightblood?”

“I have Nightblood.”

“Yeah, and they don’t believe in it anymore. You’re still who we follow, though everyone’s blurred together now. It’s been good. These five years being stuck together. Started off rocky but everyone is good, we have a plan to rebuild as _Wonkru_ as O likes to call it.”

“Will you stop bringing up the Blakes? You’re worse than my mother!”

“Your mother talks about Bellamy?”

“Tries to get me to talk to Bellamy,” Clarke corrected. “I don’t know what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough and everything else is abysmal.”

The door burst open then and the atmosphere in the room changed completely, charged and yet also heavy with regret and possibly disdain.

“Raven, Abby said…” Bellamy stopped short and stared at Clarke.

She knows he’s changed, she’s watched him and he’s better, happier than when they were at war. Bellamy Blake, happy; Clarke liked the sound of that.

Bellamy blinked and looked over to Raven, “Abby said the generator is on the fritz. It still needs to last us a month.”

“Right,” Raven jumped up out of her seat before limping to the door. “I should get on that and _you_ deserve a drink,” she poked Bellamy in the chest and walked out.

He stood there and Clarke thumbed the rim of her half empty cup. She didn’t know what to say, couldn’t say anything but the second she lifted her gaze and opened her mouth, he cut her off.

“Don’t. After all this time don’t, Clarke. You ran away again and I—I can’t keep doing this with you. It hurts too much.”

Her eyes swelled and she put down her drink on the table. “I didn’t run away, I just didn’t know what to say.”

“‘I’m sorry for pointing a gun at you, I thought it was the best thing to do at the time.’ That wasn’t so hard now was it?”

“It’s not that easy, Bellamy,” Clarke sighed, he has no idea how hard it was for her. Everything in that moment. She’d take a bullet for him and yet she was the one pointing the gun at him. It broke her.

The muscle in his jaw jumped and Clarke wanted to soothe it but knew her touch would not help him at all right now. “No, it’s never that easy but it could have been. Sometimes it was as though you didn’t care about me or how I felt. We were on the beach, separating again, even though we were stronger together, and you wouldn’t even let me tell you what I had to say.”

“We didn’t have time… the hydrazine —“

“Could have waited ten more seconds to be moved. You didn’t know what I was going to say so you couldn’t risk hearing it, it’s who you are.”

“So tell me. What were you going to say?”

Bellamy scoffed and looked away. “It doesn’t matter, it’s not true anymore.”

“You can’t tell me because the circumstances are different? What, we don’t have an axe hanging by a thread above our heads ready and waiting to kill us?”

“God, Clarke, you haven’t changed. You’re still trying to lead people when you aren’t in charge!”

She didn’t want to be in charge, she didn’t want to lead, but even though there was a new commander, she still wanted representatives from each clan. Yeah they all mixed together and helped keep each other alive in their respected jobs helping with the farming and everything else they had to do on a daily basis to keep the bunker running smoothly and Skaikru chose Clarke for whatever reason.

“Fine, don’t tell me. It’s been five years anyway.”

“You did this, Clarke, don’t you get that? You pushed me away, you nearly shot me and you’re acting like it doesn’t phase you anymore. Like we weren’t on the cusp of something more before you shot that gun at me!”

“Do you really think I could ever shoot you? Didn’t you see the running theme? _You_ were my weakness, you _are_. I just don’t know where to take it.”

“You’re not supposed to dismiss me and my opinions and feelings because they’re inconvenient to you. How does it feel, pushing your weakness away and letting him fall out of love with you?”

He turned and grabbed the bottle of moonshine and poured himself a glass and gulped it down before filling it again and held it in his hand, turning back to her. Clarke’s eyes were on him the entire time staring at him in bewilderment. _He loved her? Bellamy Blake loved her?_

 _Past tense,_ she grimaced. “I didn’t know.”

“Because you wouldn’t let me say it and then you shot at me. How could I love someone that was willing to kill me?”

“I wasn’t. Don’t you get that I wasn’t willing to kill you? I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“You should know by now that Octavia is my first choice. But there was a time where you were my first choice and keeping you safe was the only thing that mattered to me. Now I don’t. I have both of you here and both of you are safe so I don’t worry about either of you until Monty’s moonshine comes out and she gets wasted on that.”

“So you don’t… anymore?”

“How would I know? You haven’t spoke to me since you pointed a gun to my head,” he grumbled.

“Yeah, because ‘I’m sorry’ wouldn’t have been enough!”

“Of course it would have! I know why you did it, I would have too if you were doing it for your mother.”

Clarke shook her head, burying her face in her hands. She tried so hard not to cry, to be strong and not make him feel like he needs to soothe her when she was the one in the wrong. How could he still not understand that she wouldn’t have done it for her mother if the roles were reverse. That the only person she would have opened that bunker for was him.

“You,” she said weakly through a sob.

“What?”

Clarke looked up at him, directly into his eyes, “You. The only person I would have opened that hatch for was you. Everyone else was expendable, I just wanted you.”

“And I needed O, you know I’d need her, so why would you fight me on that? I would have said fuck the grounders and grabbed her but you nearly shot me and I was furious at you for going against me but damn it, Clarke, I was in love with you and you threw away my trust. You spent five years watching me from across the room, never speaking to me. And now, a month before we get out of this damn place is when you want to talk? When you want to hash out all the bullshit between us? How is that fair, Clarke?”

“It’s… you stopped loving me the moment you looked me down the barrel of that gun, I saw it in your eyes and it broke me because the moment you stopped was the moment I realized how I felt. It’s fucked up and I couldn’t just tell you I was sorry for doing it at all but the thought of losing you, of making that kill shot, I just…” Clarke shook her head, not knowing what she could possibly say other than; “I couldn’t do it.”

“You didn’t even try, you thought the worst and you didn’t try.”

“Neither did you! You didn’t come to me and try and talk about it and I couldn’t because I was racked with guilt.”

“I went and brought Raven back!”

“You wouldn’t let me come with you! You conspired with my mother in the middle of the night and left with Miller before sun up. You didn’t even think about reconciling with me. You left me in charge of the list, _again.”_

“I promised your mother I’d keep you safe and even with the hazmat suit, it wasn’t safe out there. You were better off here.”

“ _Here_ where I worried about you and thought you were dead because you returned late. You had a three hour spare window and you almost didn’t make it and I wasn’t even allowed to acknowledge your safe return because of Raven and Miller’s radiation burns. Then it was too late and every time I saw you, you were talking with someone and then it was three months and way too late to apologize.”

“It’s been five years! I’ve forgiven you, you’re the one pushing me away.”

“I—“ Clarke shook her head, how could he have forgiven her? Who could forgive someone for pointing a gun in their face? It’s insane. “How? How can you forgive everything I’ve done to you? There’s too much to forgive, you can’t do it all.”

Bellamy sighed, his shoulders slumped and he knelt on the floor in front of her. He placed his hand on her knee, “Stop beating yourself up. I’m not mad about what you did outside of here. Avoiding me for five years is the only thing I’m upset about, okay? I lost my partner, my best friend, the one person I could exchange a glance with and have a full blown plan done and decided in three seconds. The one person who understood me and knew what I needed to hear and said it. I will always need you and right now, I need you to stop crying.”

Clarke wiped her cheeks and her fingers pulled away wet, how hadn’t she known that she was crying? She sniffled and sat up straight, wiping her hands on her pants. Her hand momentarily touched Bellamy’s while wiping the tears away and that zig of electricity blew through her from her fingers up her arm and to her heart before diving down to the heat between her legs.

She dared to look up at him, only to find Bellamy already watching her.

“I am sorry,” she told him, her eyes locked on his deep chocolate irises.

He nodded. Swallowing, his Adam’s apple jumped before his tongue snaked out and licked his lips all while keeping eye contact with Clarke. “I know,” his voice rougher than it was a moment ago.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, reconnecting and Clarke didn’t want to move, she didn’t care what happened in the next month down in this God forsaken bunker as long as she had Bellamy in her life again.

But it became overbearing and she needed to say something to slice through the intensity. Of course the first thing out of her mouth was; “The next few months are going to be insane, huh?”

“Yeah, they are,” he sighed.

“Bell, you found happiness here. I watched it grow. You’re happy.”

“No, I wasn’t, I was angry but I realized you didn’t want me around so I let go of my anger. I trained and farmed and stayed out of all the bureaucratic bullshit, I gave you the space you silently demanded. I found peace, it’s more than I could have hoped for, Clarke. But happiness? No, I can’t be happy if I don’t have you in my life. I realized that when you said good night to me three years ago after helping me with O. It was the most I got out of you in two years and I was happy that I got to hear your voice again. I missed your _voice,_ Clarke. I missed your opinions. I was about to break.”

“I didn’t want to ruin your good mood.”

“I was never in a good mood, Clarke. God, my best friend was avoiding me and no one knew why.”

“You asked?”

“Of course I asked. I—you can’t tell me that you don’t know I care about you. How many times did I save your life? How many times have I gone after you? Gotten stabbed and prodded for you. Fuck, I hung for you.”

“You were… that was to get our people out of Mount Weather, that wasn’t for me.”

“No, you just sent me in there hoping I didn’t turn into a Reaper.”

“Don’t blame me for that! I didn’t know it was the alterative.”

“I’m not blaming you. Jesus, Clarke, everything I did was to show you that I loved you and it wasn’t enough. It was never enough until you almost killed me yourself.”

Clarke wanted to cry, she wanted to sob heavily and mourn losing the man that loved her, it’s harder to love someone who didn’t love you back than to lose them to death, because knowing about their love while they died was different, it’s eternal, but losing it and being the reason it’s gone was different. It was there and you ripped it away without knowing it existed. It hurt more than with Finn or Lexa. Losing Bellamy’s love felt like a hole being torn through her chest, like in that show they had back on the Ark, Clarke couldn’t remember the name or the characters names but they were vampires and they could tear out their enemy’s hearts with their bare hands. That’s what it felt like.

“This isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go. Can you at least agree to stop avidly avoiding me?”

Clarke nodded, “Can I still listen in on story time?”

“What?”

“I had Raven teach me how to hack into the intercoms and listened in on story time for the kids. I missed your voice too. ”


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mmmm... had to up the rating, this uh, this got out of control...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've never brought Trigedasleng (I keep pronouncing it "trig-eda-sing", I know I'm wrong) into my writing because I never understood Spanish in the 5 years I had to take that in grade school so I figured I'd suck at any other language (I know one sentence in French and it is NOT something anyone wants to hear coming out of anyone's mouth) so if you know Trigedasleng better than me and my grammar or something is wrong please let me know and I'll work on it.

**4 Months Later:**

_Jasper would hate this,_ was the first thought Clarke had climbing out of the bunker three months ago.

_Bellamy stepped out behind Clarke and grimaced, his hand squeezing her arm. “Damn.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“So much for lumber.”_

_“We have some buildings that somehow withstood the death wave_ _then again they survived the apocalypse the first time. I guess while they were destroying the world, people made sure we’d have shelter two hundred years later.”_

_“Oh, yeah, it's all they're doing. Nothing to do with the steel and concrete,” he smirked._

_“An alloy and a composite working to keep humanity safe for hundreds of years through multiple death waves, I can see the allure.”_

_“You're chipper. What did you do to my Clarke?”_

_“Brought her peace by bringing her best friend back into her life.”_

_“I never left, Princess.”_

They'd gotten better, back to being friends. It actually scared Raven and Miller one morning a week after their talk. It's not like they were avoiding each other the days between, there were just some extraneous circumstances that kept them on different levels most days. But that day, Raven and Miller had some down time and decided to use it to play a game of checkers when Clarke and Bellamy came in from opposite sides of the rec hall and sat between their friends to watch the game. Raven hoped putting them together would work but Miller was out of the loop and thought that maybe he would have been caught amidst a battle between the two, not knowing what exactly was going on.

Of course they talked about business before they relaxed and joked around with their friends who acted like it was normal and Clarke liked that. She liked the normalcy of talking to Bellamy and being in a group joking with him. Yeah, he's older than everyone and had the weight of the world on his shoulders for far too long but there he was relaxed, Indra had Queen Octavia so Bellamy’s burdens were nearly nonexistent.

“I thought you were supposed to go get some algae,” she heard behind her as she wrapped a grounder’s ankle after he fell off a roof he was helping construct.

She smiled, knowing it was Bellamy, “Raven and Harper are going to the river in my stead.”

“Because Harper couldn't treat a sprained ankle?”

The grounder said something in Trigedasleng that Clarke wasn't paying attention to because she was rolling her eyes at Bellamy.

“I don't have a problem, Sonno,” Bellamy quipped back with a fierce bite.

“ _Wanheda laik yun?”_

Clarke grasped that one and grimaced, focusing back on tying the bandage.

“ _Em laik ai lukot,”_ Bellamy said firmly.

“Sonno, you're all set,” Clarke said quickly, trying to end the conversation for the men. “Be careful please.”

“ _Mochof,”_ Sonno nodded and walked off as Clarke wrapped up her supplies half hoping Bellamy would have walked away.

“He likes you.”

“He's twice my age.”

“He could still please you, father children.”

Clarke whipped around, glaring at Bellamy. “Why the hell would I be thinking about children right now? We haven't…” Clarke sighed, she knew this angle wasn't going to win with Bellamy so she had to change it up. “He’s not who'd I'd choose.”

Bellamy grimaced and Clarke walked away, back to the bunker. She couldn't say anymore, they weren't there yet. He wasn't ready for that from her. They just got back to being friends.

* * *

“Clarke!” she heard Niylah’s voice. She was grateful that Octavia spared her, hating what her people were going to do to her but not being able to help. Hated that she couldn't be with her people when they chose who was to live and who wouldn't.

“Hey,” Clarke smiled.

“Hey,” she smiled. She spent most of the last five years in the farm. Clarke barely saw her, not that she really complained about it, it was just that Clarke felt like shit about Bellamy and wanted to wallow in it, she didn't want to feel good and Niylah always made her feel good. “So you and Bellamy?”

“Friends again,” Clarke confirmed, wondering why Niylah was asking, they were never serious.

“Sonno said that Bellamy called you his special friend.”

“Nope. He said, ‘ _Em laik ai lukot_ ’, she is my friend. I was there, and we are friends,” Clarke winced and Niylah definitely saw it with the knowing smirk on her face.

“But you want to be his _niron_?”

Clarke licked her lips, Niylah already knew. She's the first one Clarke actually let see her care about Bellamy above everyone else. This conversation was for Niylah, not for Clarke to divulge her feelings about Bellamy but for Niylah to allow herself to move on. “It's always been him, I was just too stubborn to see it.”

She nodded, “I knew what I was getting into, Clarke, you don't have to feel bad about hurting me. You didn't.”

“I—“

“It's okay,” Niylah said and walked away. Clarke hated when people did that.

She stormed off across their growing camp, they're slowly building closer to a water source that wasn't recycled urine, where she knew Bellamy to be. She found him helping someone from _Louwoda Kilron_ put up some shingles on a roof.

“We need to talk,” she said, not even giving him a proper greeting, because what the hell?

Bellamy looked her, noticing how serious she was and nodded before telling the Shallow Valley grounder that he'll be back. Following Clarke away from prying eyes and ears, she turned to him, “Sonno is telling people we're together.”

“Okay, I'll tell him we aren't _again.”_

“I had to hear Niylah telling me she always knew and it's okay that I didn't tell her but it's not like I spent time with her in the bunker either, she was with Octavia or farming. I just…”

“You want me to announce to the whole bunker than we are not in fact a couple but best friends that know and understand each other better than anyone else.”

“Or just best friends. Simpler, doesn't infer anything.”

“Sleeping in the same tent infers the exact opposite,” he smirked.

Clarke rolled her eyes, “There aren't enough tents to go around and th—

“I asked for you, okay? I'm giving you a hard time.”

She punched his arm, “You're an ass.”

Bellamy smirked, shaking his head. He was bemused and Clarke was even more annoyed than she was before talking to him.

“So, we’re just going to let people think what they want?”

“I do it all the time, you're the enforcer, Princess.”

“Rebel King always gets what he wants.”

“Not everything,” his voice a murmur that she felt better than she heard.

Clarke opened her mouth to say something, what? She didn't know but then someone called her name back at the camp and she sighed before turning to head back.

“I'll see you tonight?” Bellamy asked because she sometimes fell asleep in med bay.

“I'll try,” she smiled back at him. In all honesty, it's difficult for her to sleep next to Bellamy without curling up next to him. She loved him and she knew having him in her life as a friend was better than not having him in it at all.

* * *

Bellamy stepped into his tent to find Clarke face down, spread across the entire bedding. That position girls get into when he's sleeping on his back and she curls up on him and their legs get tangled and it's the best feeling in the world.

He couldn't blame her for not getting under the blankets, it was hot and humid. He also couldn't blame her for wearing those flowery green sleep shorts that didn't cover her ass and her grey tank top rode up her waist to her ribs that were too prominent. He'd noticed that, her losing weight in the bunker, he didn't like it but what could he do about it? She's not his, he should probably do something about that if he wants that to change. He nearly kissed her this afternoon when she wanted him to declare to all of _Wonkru_ that they're _just friends._ They're not and they never will be, not to her and certainly not to him. He just didn't know where they stood until she got all nervous and uncertain asking him to declare their platonic friendship to the entire camp.

He didn't want to lie to their people more than they already have since landing on Earth.

Clarke murmured something then that sounded a lot like a combination of “bed” and “Bell” that made him smile as he kicked off his boots and ripped his shirt over his head before yanking the button on his pants open, letting them fall to the ground at his feet. He stepped out of them and pulled off his socks. Standing there in his boxers, in the tent that he shared with Clarke, he was frozen staring at the strong, beautiful girl sleeping in front of him. He didn't want to wake her but he needed sleep too. There was barely enough room for him on the bedding she draped herself across but he bent down and took the small space beside her on his side but with no place to put his hands.

_Fuck._

Bellamy breathed out his mouth as he placed his hand on her bare waist, barely a feather touch and Clarke jolted, a sigh passing through her lips. He dropped his hand to give her the full pressure of his limp hand and she moaned, “Bellamy.”

“I'm here,” he told her softly, tracing circles into her skin.

“I need,” her voice was breathy and muffled and it was doing all sorts of things to him that he didn't need happening to him when he's this tired and the lack of privacy in the bunker kept everyone sexually pent up and sure, he got off when he was alone in the shower, biting into his hand to keep everyone from knowing what exactly he was doing in there but it's been too fucking long since he's had real sex with an appreciative woman and a sleep horny Clarke certainly wasn't his preference. “I _need… please.”_

Her hips jerked repeatedly for a moment before she fell back into a relaxed sleep with Bellamy’s tight grip on her hip stopping the maddening ministrations. “Not tonight, baby. Maybe when you're awake,” he said kissing her shoulder and pulled her into his chest falling asleep faster than he ever has before.

* * *

Clarke was too warm. It was summer, almost summer, Abby said something about May so it's the middle of spring but this heat is thoroughly ridiculous when she isn't even under the blankets she and Bellamy brought out from the bunker. It was too humid last night and she was too exhausted.

But now, she's hot and sticky and something heavy is on her back and all the heat she's feeling is emanating from whatever is behind her and, _shit_ , it’s Bellamy and his erect dick is resting on the small of her back and he's never gotten hard in the morning around her before and she doesn't want to move and wake him but she's uncomfortably sticky and just wants a shower.

“Mm, baby,” he muttered, his hand traveled down her back to low on her hip and Clarke couldn't move as a bolt of lightning coursed through her igniting all her nerves and a pool of juices formed in her too small panties.

“Bell,” she whimpered, intending on it being a strong statement but she wants him. Always has and doesn't want whatever this is to stop.

“Gods, your body is perfect,” his voice thick with sleep as he groped her ass and Clarke bit down on her bottom lip.

“Please be awake,” she whispered into the pillow, muffling her voice more.

“Mm,” he hummed, toying with the hem of her shorts. She has too small panties and oversized, loose shorts, explain that.

His fingers pushed the fabric aside to both pieces of clothing and one digit slid along her dripping slit before quickly pushing into her without warning and Clarke gasped his name one part ecstasy, two parts scolding.

“Sorry, baby,” he whispered, kissing her shoulder. “Want two? I can be gentle.”

“Bellamy, I…”

“Me too.”

Clarke sighed, of course they wouldn't actually say it not when his finger was stroking her folds awaiting her command. “Two,” she whimpered and his breath hitched.

Clarke's eyes fluttered closed awaiting his fingers as he used her juices to lube his fingers before he pressed into her. The angle was awkward but beautiful as he hit just the right spot with his nail grazing softly against The bundle of nerves that got her to the edge quicker than ever before.

His fingers pumped into her at a maddening pace that Clarke felt like she was going to snap in two until she felt the tight coil low in her belly snap and she let go, letting every thought and worry in her mind disappear until nothing but Bellamy remained.

His fingers pulled out of her and Bellamy pulled Clarke onto her back, his fingers hanging over her mouth, sopping wet with _her._ She's heard of girls licking their juices and tasting it, but she'd never done it herself. It was different with Niylah and Lexa, it was both her taste and theirs mixing together, it was intoxicating but just the thought of tasting herself from Bellamy’s fingers was better than anything she could have ever done before. Clarke licked her lips, waiting for Bellamy to choose.

His fingers dragged slowly across her lips before she couldn't contain herself and sucked on the tip of his fingers tasting her tangy juices and lapping it up. He pushed his fingers in farther and Clarke's eyes locked with Bellamy’s and watched his eyes slowly darken until there was no more deep brown, just a dark, hungry black that made Clarke’s heart race.

“Fuck,” he growled yanking his fingers out of her mouth, replacing them with his lips and tongue, devouring her. He quickly pulled away with a grimace, “I didn't mean—I needed to taste you.” He looked down at her, brushing the hair off Clarke’s forehead.

“So taste me,” Clarke smirked.

“We don't have enough time right now for everything I want to do to you, Princess.”

“Bell, I can give you just sex, but—“

“Hey, hey, no. I want this. I want you. Hell of a way to show it though.”

“Mm, your hand exploring my body while you slept? It seems like us actually.”

Bellamy smirked and Clarke couldn't remember anything as radiant as this man’s halfhearted attempt at a smile. “What would you like me to do now, baby?”

It was Clarke’s turn to smirk as she flipped over and straddled his legs before realizing their clothes are exactly what's stopping them from doing anything. She grabbed the hem of her shirt and toyed with it a little as she dragged it slowly up her sides, Bellamy’s eyes watching the slow and steady pace, stopping when she got to her breasts.

“We should… we should make sure they don't need our help, right?”

“Fuck no,” Bellamy growled and tossed Clarke’s shirt over her head in one quick fluid motion, she didn't realize it had happened until his hand was on her breast squeezing gently as his thumb circled her nipple and his nail casually scraping against the sensitive skin.

She gasped, arching her back to the touch and his mouth latched onto we other breast and laced and sucked at the skin, occasionally blowing on the damp skin sending a shiver down her spine.

“We have five minutes before Abby comes looking for me,” Clarke breathed, grinding her hips down on Bellamy’s thigh for some much needed friction.

“We need more than five minutes.”

“Make use of what we have, then.”

Bellamy nodded, “Take your clothes off.”

Clarke stood instantly, pushing the loose green fabric of her shorts down before getting to the tight grey panties, slipping them down her thighs. When she finally kicked them across the tent, Bellamy pulled the back of her knees, bringing her back down to him before he flipped them over and all Clarke could possibly want was hovering over her.

“You're not drunk, right?” he asked seriously and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, woke up before dawn to get plastered and waste my day away.”

“I hate your sarcasm.”

“But you love—“

He cut her off wit his lips, their first real kiss with nothing but want behind it. The perfect pressure and balance of tongue and lips and Clarke was glad they didn't do this when they played spin the bottle that one time at the Dropship six years ago.

Six years they've known each other. Six years they danced around their feelings and dated other people and fought and argued and it took them so long to figure out their feelings before she went and screwed it all up and pushed him away when he didn't want her to push him away, he didn't blame her.

Bellamy pulled away, looking down at her quizzically. “Where’d you go?”

“Sorry, I was thinking about how stupid we've been, I've been. We could have been doing this for five years if I hadn't pushed you away, if I hadn't pointed that gun at you.”

“Stop, babe, we… I really wouldn't have wanted to know what being with you would be like before the bunker where we had no privacy.”

“We're in a tent, Bell, there's no privacy.”

“The louder you are, the better. Keep them all away,” he smirked, teasing the top of his shaft across her slick slit.

“Goo—good idea,” Clarke gasped, biting her bottom lip as he pushed into her, not at all prepared for the stretch her walls would have to endure to take him. It's been forever but also, he's got a wide girth that was exquisitely painful.

He let her adjust, pressing a kiss on her forehead. She urged him on, not wanting the adjustment, needing him and not willing to waste a moment with him.

Clarke had this image of Bellamy fucking, it was a clear image that she wasn't quite sure how it came to fruition. She didn't ask for details when Raven drunkenly told her that she slept with him back in their Finn days and someone should be experiencing that instead of letting him go to waste. But knowing that he was that good wasn't what drew Clarke to the conclusion that Bellamy dirty talked. She didn't know what it was exactly that brought her to that conclusion so when she gets to experience him firsthand and he's _not,_ Clarke is a little let down.

He pulled out slowly and when Clarke thought he was going to continue to the head just to tease her a little more, he slammed back into her burying himself to the hilt.

“Bellamy, _fuck!”_

He continues the motion but a tad slower, getting as deep as he could while his lips dragged down her next, leaving his tongue against the juncture above her collarbone.

Clarke needed more. She craved his touch everywhere, she needed something more than his lips on her neck and their thrusts together that were so… perfect she couldn't catch her breath. His hand would do, where the hell were they? His voice, his gravelly bass tone that was all encompassing would be better, it would wrap around her and make it all feel a little more real to her.

His hand moved from grasping her hip, (that's where it was?) to her thigh, hitching it up higher and sped up his thrusts. Before long the sounds coming out of her mouth were breathy or high moans as his mouth latched onto one of her nipples and drove it crazy, licking and sucking and blowing cool air onto the areola, peeking it up as though she wasn't turned on enough by everything else he was doing to her.

Clarke’s breath hitched when Bellamy changed the angle, rearranged her legs to rest onto his shoulders, tightening the walls around him, his face came up and hovered above hers and all she wanted was to kiss him, to have something holding her steady, something for her to latch onto to last a little bit longer. It’s too, too good.

“Gods, Clarke, you feel fucking incredible. I’m never gonna get enough of you, you’re so fucking perfect, he groaned against her mouth.

“Kiss me? I need… you’re so… I’m close, Bell. _Fuck!”_   she arched off the bedding, gasping out another expletive as she nears her peak.

Bellamy was about to kiss her when her sudden gasp broke into a sob and she burst open, completely gone looking into Bellamy’s eyes as he followed right after her, spewing his heat into her before collapsing onto her and kissed her neck, heating her sweat soaked body even more than before.

Bellamy kissed her lazily before rolling off, his breath heavy but quiet.

Clarke sat up after a moment and reached for her shirt to pull it back on over her head.

“Clarke…”

“Five minutes are up.”

“Princess, please, I—I’m sorry,” he said at the same time Raven called for her outside of their tent.

“What?” Clarke exclaimed, turning back to Bellamy.

“Abby needs your help with setting a leg, Illanu fell off a roof,” Raven explained.

“Yeah, I’ll be right out!” she called back but waited for Bellamy to say something while she finished getting dressed. She turned back to him about to say something but he cut her off. “Go.”

Clarke nodded, squeezing his hand and stepped out of the tent. Raven stood ten feet away waiting for Clarke. “You didn’t have to wait for me, Reyes,” she told the brunette walking past her towards med bay.

“You and Blake?” she asked with some semblance of finality as she stepped in line next to Clarke, but it wasn’t anywhere close to what Clarke was feeling about the last minute with him.

“You’re telling me he’s not out with Miller?” Clarke grimaced, covering for the both of them. She didn’t know what he was talking about when he apologized and if it’s what she’s thinking there was nothing to apologize for.

IUD...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come geek out with me over these beautiful idiots on Tumblr, I'm [thebellarkeofitall](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/).


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been flip flopping from story to story I've been writing and something's I can write like the back of my hand and others I'm staring at my laptop like it's on fire because I wrote myself into a corner. So here's something I don't think I fucked up.

**A Week Later**

Clarke was planning on telling him. She was but then they were both so busy that they didn’t see each other for a few days.  
She didn't want it to be a big thing, should have been simple and they would have moved past it warily, hoping her period comes on time like a normal couple would in this situation.

But she hasn't told him and Abby just told her that Kane just sent Bellamy on a mission to Becca’s Island with Miller and Murphy so it's going to be a couple days before he returns and Clarke is not good at secrets so someone is going to figure it out before she can even tell him herself.

“Wonkru to Rover One, come in?” Kane said into the radio, he wasn't too happy that Clarke took time out of his day to radio them so she could speak to Bellamy.

“Rover One,” Murphy grumbled out.

Clarke grabbed the mic from Kane, “I need Bellamy.”

“We've all known that Princess, get…” the line cut out and Clarke almost sobbed thinking something terrible happened to them.

“I'm here,” his gruff voice came though clear and Clarke smiled.

“You can't just leave without telling me.”

“I would have if I've seen you but I haven't.”

“Bellamy,” her eyes swelled and she didn't want to cry in front of Kane. “I…”

“I know. Me too. Should be back before dinner in two days. We'll talk, okay?”

“Okay, please be safe. Miller, don't let him do anything stupid.”

“Later, Clarke,” Bellamy said and Clarke sighed dropping the radio and passed it back to Kane.

“Are you two okay?” he asked.

Clarke sighed, “I don't know.”

Kane nodded, “You two were good together. If this is about opening the bunker for Octavia and the grounders, I know you were against it. I don’t hold it against you, but—“

“I held him at gunpoint, Kane. I shot at him, I wouldn’t forgive me. He says he has and we were good. For four months we were good and the past week we haven’t. I don’t know what happened.”

She knows what happened, they had amazing, mind blowing sex and they haven't spoken since. She's been passing out in Medical and he's been ignoring her at meals. They're not okay and Clarke had no idea why.

"You two will figure it out. You two will be good for our people.”

"Our people? I thought we were all Wonkru with Queen Octavia and representatives who proved themselves over the last five years.”

"In a perfect world, yes, but this certainly isn’t a perfect world, and we’re a divided people.”  
Clarke didn’t ask to be a representative, she didn’t want it, she spent her entire time on Earth being a leader that no one wanted or asked for but now that they get a choice in the matter, a choice in their representatives, they’re choosing the one called Wanheda, Commander of Death. “You should be the representative.”

“When you’re the one who makes all the right choices? You and Bellamy?”

“I should talk to someone who isn't on his side about this. Someone who isn't on my side either, you know anyone aside from Murphy?”

“Emori? Monty?”

"Monty is rooting for us, I need someone who doesn't care about us like that. Like Indra or Gaia.”

“Essentially the same person just with different driving passions,” Kane agreed.

"Settled then. Whomever I find first.”

“Indra is training in the bunker and Gaia is probably praying somewhere to something.”

Clarke grimaced at his flippancy, “Your mother was spiritual, you should understand where she's coming from.”

“I do, that doesn't mean I believe there's something bigger out there.”

She shook her head and stepped back, “I’ll see you later.”

“I'll call if I hear anything.”

“You'd better since you sent three guards out without a medic and Abby and Jackson are in surgery for the rest of the day.”

“You or Harper, okay? I'm sure you'll stick close to walk the boys through, Bellamy always carries a med kit.”

“Okay,” she nodded, leaving the room and walking right into Raven. “Hey!”

"Hey, did you just speak to the guys? Or did Kane...”

“I spoke to Bellamy.”

“Still weirdness?”

"I guess, he’s been avoiding me and I’ve been working like crazy so he said we’ll talk when he gets back. Why are you—”

“Emori is busy and couldn’t come herself. I’m waiting on the guys to bring back some material for everything I have to work on so I’m semi-free and offered.”

“I know Wick is… gone and Sinclair is too, but have you found anyone to start teaching?”

“I don’t… the grounder kids are told by their parents not to trust technology because of Alie and Skaikru kids aren’t too keen on it either so no, I haven’t found anyone to teach.”

“And your hip?”

"Been better. You and Bellamy?” she pressed.

“Been better.”

“Are you going to tell me about it or just wallow?”

“You’re rooting for us, I know you do, so I don’t want your opinion.”

“On the sex you didn’t have last week? Everyone heard you.”

“Wonderful!” Clarke groaned, sarcastically rolling her eyes. “How about we never talk about it and I go talk to Queen Octavia about whatever I missed at the last council meeting that I forgot about.”

“She hates when you do that.”

“Well, I’m a busy med student, she knows that and should work with my boss about when it's a good time to have a meeting with me actually there.”

“Why isn’t Bellamy on the council?”

"Because some idiots voted for Jaha.”

"Why didn’t Bellamy’s assassination attempt not work again?”

"My mom saved him and none of the AI bullshit would have happened if it weren’t for him. I love Wells, but his father has been nothing but a problem since we landed.”

"Remember how we all hated Kane on the Ark and loved Jaha and now it’s the complete opposite. Kane became a real leader down here and Jaha’s lost his marbles.”

"He does say some insightful stuff though. Last month Miller told me that on the bunker scavenger hunt Bellamy and I went on with him before we found the real bunker, Jaha told Bellamy that he centers me.”

“It’s true.”

“I know. I can come up with some really crazy plans, but with Bellamy, they’re more logical and planned out. Half of my ideas would never have worked if it weren’t for him.”

“You center him too, you guys are idiots if you don’t see that you’re in love with each other.”  
Love. The concept didn’t really cross Clarke’s mind that everything going on between her and Bellamy could be love. Sex is one thing, sex is easy—amazing—with Bellamy, but could that be because she loves him, that she’s always loved him and didn’t want to ruin their co-leadership for her feelings. Constantly thinking with her head instead of feeling with her heart after it’s been broken so many times before, she’d lock it away and not acknowledge it again. Besides, if he loved her, why hasn’t he acted like it? “Then why hasn’t he come to medical? Why is he avoiding me?”

“You’ve pushed him away for so long, Clarke, maybe he doesn’t want to be rejected when he’s finally let you know.”

Realization hit Clarke as a tear fell from her damp eyes, he still loves me. She wanted to throw up, she felt nauseous and light headed, she’s been worrying about possibly being pregnant with his child and thinking he’d never speak to her again while he thought she didn’t love him back. They’re a mess and Clarke can’t fix it until Bellamy gets back, she refuses to have that conversation over the radio.

“I’ve—I might be pregnant,” she whispered to herself.

“What? You have an IUD, you shouldn’t—“

“I don’t have an IUD. The closest I had to a boyfriend on the Ark was Wells and then I was in solitary so they didn’t waste one on me and there was no time for any removal or implantation before they threw us in the Dropship, so I could have gotten pregnant by Finn. Lexa and Niylah were after him and now Bellamy. I’ve been freaking out all week over possibly being pregnant and him hating me. I never thought that he could be distancing himself because he thought I didn’t love him back.”

Raven’s eyes widened, looking past Clarke who then spun around to find Octavia standing at the end of the hall, ten feet away.

“You love my brother?” she asked.

Clarke scoffed, “When haven’t I?”

“You’ve broken his heart so many times, how could you do that if you loved him?”

“Octavia, I—“ Clarke stammered for words but she couldn’t find them. How could she explain herself and her feelings when she didn’t understand them herself?

“She didn’t know,” Raven said. “Clarke has put everyone before herself since landing on this horrific planet. She saved everyone at the Dropship. Did what she thought was right to save all of us at Mount Weather. Sacrificed herself and went into the City of Light knowing she probably wouldn’t make it out, only to find out that the world was going to end in six months. Hell, we didn’t even get that! We got two months to figure all this shit out and she beat herself up over every person who has died so that we could be here right now. So cut her some slack, O, she’s allowed to not know who she loves, even if it’s caused broken hearts along the way.”

“Not when he's proven time and time again just how far he'd go for her. Now she's knocked up with some guy’s kid saying she's in love with Bellamy and I'm not supposed to be mad about it? He's my brother!”

“His kid,” Clarke said but barely. She deserves Octavia's anger, she'd do it for Bellamy if it was another girl he was in love with because she loves him and she's being a fuck up. Clarke is acting like a fuck up and she wants to fix it, she just had to wait a week.

“His… When the hell did that happen?”

“Last week.”

“Wait, it was you? That's why he's torturing himself because of you?”

"What do you mean torturing himself?” Clarke practically demanded.

“He thinks he… honestly, if I knew it was you, I'd have called him an idiot but I didn't know. Shit!”

“What, O? What did he say?”

“He—he thinks he took advantage of you, you didn't say yes.”

“I was an actively involved participant in the act, how could he think that?”

“Maybe he feels like he coerced you, I don't know,” Octavia shrugged. “I had Kane send him out there with Miller and Murphy because he was avoiding everyone and figured Murphy would annoy him enough to get him talking and Miller will glare at him until he cracks so he’ll talk to them and they'll tell him that he's an idiot. Whether he believes them or not is another story, but they’ll tell him.”

Three days later Clarke got the call from Kane to meet the guys at the east end of their little village, that someone got hurt and needed medical assistance. She stood waiting with Harper at her side, they didn't know how bad it was, hoping the two trainees would be good enough.

There was a rustling at the tree line and Clarke saw a wisp of long brown hair that she knew didn't belong to any of the guys and grimaced. They didn't hear about a missing girl so…

The girl stepped out of the tree line with a hunched over figure that Clarke knew all too well.

Bellamy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm [thebellarkeofitall](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr


	4. IV

Clarke stared at the body on the table in front of her. Everyone was talking and working around her and she barely heard a hum as they all blurred into the background. All she saw was Bellamy unconscious in front of her and Madi, who was rushing around him with a wet cloth dabbing at the cuts and scratches on his face. Will that boy ever have a clean face with no cuts or bruises?

“He was calling out to you,” she said when they met. “Kept saying he was sorry.”

Clarke shook her head, she didn't want Madi telling her that. She wanted Bellamy saying it, she wanted him to wake up, to be okay. She wanted to tell him she loved him, too late, they're always too late with each other.

_“Gina taught me how to love,” he said drunkenly one night._

_Clarke grimaced, “What?”_

_“I—I thought I knew how, I thought… she taught me that words didn't matter as much as actions. I miss her,” Bellamy admitted and Clarke’s heart broke for him._

_“I'm sorry Echo betrayed you.”_

_“I wish she had a chance to redeem herself, she wasn't a bad person. She did what she thought was right and it wasn't. Didn't help that she nearly killed you.”_

_“Bellamy…”_

_“I would have killed her, you know. If she hurt you at all. I would have killed her,” his head fell to Clarke’s shoulder and she was glad he couldn't see her face._

_“You're drunk. You should get to bed,” she said weakly. She didn't want him to go but she didn't want to hear about other women he's been with._

_“You're freezing,” he said, ignoring her._

_“Always.”_

_“Where's your jacket? We found jackets in…”_

_“The kids need them more than I do. I'll be fine, Bellamy.”_

_“You're so stubborn,” he growled and Clarke smirked._

_“I learned from the best.”_

_“Me? Princess, you were stubborn since the day we landed.”_

_“You were obstinate.”_

_“Okay, kettle.”_

_“Bellamy, I know the first night on the ground is exciting and all, but you should get to bed, you're drunk.”_

_“I'm fine. You know they put us together, right? We're getting friendly again, so they thought…”_

_“I know, I'll get there soon. I'm not the drunk one, you are.”_

_He was scoffed, “Have I told you that I missed you?”_

_“Not lately. I missed you more.”_

_“Not possible.”_

_“Possible,” Clarke smiled, wondering if he’ll remember this in the morning._

* * *

Clarke didn't leave Bellamy’s side for three days. She knew it was unhealthy, that she should go walk around and see what she could help with while he laid unconscious. She couldn't. She needed to be there when he woke up, needed to know he would be okay. Jackson and Miller brought her food. Raven and Madi came and visited during the evenings, bringing her dinner but she barely ate. She wasn't hungry, only craving Bellamy’s warm eyes looking at her.

There were moments where she thought he squeezed her hand or breathed her name but he didn't respond to any stimuli, disheartening her every time. She loved him and couldn't even tell him as much.

“Clarke,” she heard in a distinctly gravely tone and her eyes shot up to his face and Bellamy’s eyes were open and she immediately started crying.

She really is a mess over him.

“Clarke…”

“I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it before, I—I don't… I just love you, Bellamy. I have for a while now.”

“I love you too,” he told her trying to sit up.

“Don't move, you… you and Murphy got hurt pretty badly in the fall. What were you thinking, Bellamy?”

“We tried saving Madi from the river, is she… did Miller…”

“They're both okay. They brought you both back here. I just don't know what you were thinking climbing up there. Did you even get to the island?”

“No, we got to the river and saw her in the tree and there was no questioning it. We had to help her.”

“I get that, she's amazing and so lucky she survived everything. I know it was the nightblood and she lost her entire family all at once and raised herself with no source of nourishment but how the hell didn't we know about her?”

“Her family didn't want to lose her in the Conclave," he offered. "Ontari would have slaughtered her."

"I don't blame them, but she could have died out there alone for five years. She's lucky you found her.”

“Clarke, I don't want to talk about that.”

“Okay, what… what do you—?”

“How can you love me when—“

“You didn't take advantage of me," she cut him off, not knowing how he could think it at all. "Octavia told me what you thought happened and it didn't. I want you.”

“I just attacked you. Zero to one hundred in less than a second so…”

“I love you, Bellamy. You can attack me whenever you want.”

“Well, you just told me not to move so..”

Clarke bent down and pressed her lips to his. She didn't care that he didn't say he loved her back but she knew. She's always known.

“Miller slapped me upside the head when he realized what happened.”

“I'd say it was well deserved. Why didn't you come talk to me?”

“I thought you hated me, you bolted out of our tent the second it was over.”

“Raven was calling me, I couldn't lay around all day and neglect my duties, no matter how much I wanted to.”

“The second I'm cleared by Abby, I'm going to rock your world.”

Clarke chuckled, adjusting herself on the cot to lay with Bellamy, his arms curling around her as he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. “I love you too,” he said softly.

They laid together for a while, Clarke thought he was asleep and her mind wandered. To the IUD, to the possible pregnancy, to the fact that her period was actually late now and she was scared. Not that she was pregnant, but that Bellamy might not want it.

“Why are you crying?”

Clarke wiped her eyes, shocked at the feel of her damp cheeks. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Clarke,” he scolded and she felt like she was yanked out of the City of Light again to find him pushing her into telling her what she meant by not actually saving the world. She wanted a moment where she was Clarke Griffin, a moment where she could mourn those she’s lost along the way, not Bellamy pushing her to acknowledge something that could wait a few days.

“I don’t have an IUD, I never did,” she told him softly. She’s been avoiding the topic herself and knew Jackson wouldn’t be able to tell her anything until the end of this week anyway so why worry about the unknown, right?

“Are you saying you’re pregnant or… Clarke, I told you I was in love with you before we entered the bunker. It only changed because I thought we might have changed in the five years since we’ve talked, but… it hasn’t. I’m—I love you, more now than I did then and it’s because you haven’t changed, you still put others before yourself. Hell, you weren’t going to tell me because stress isn’t good for healing and...” he sighed, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s temple. “Anyway, if you are pregnant, I’m here and I’m in this with you. If you’re not, that’s okay too. I didn’t have sex with you just to have a baby, I’m completely in love with you and either result you get is okay with me.”

“’Okay’?”

“Not going to lie, bringing a child into this world is going to be one hell of a challenge but I’m in if you are.”

“You’re not just saying all the right things just to keep me around.”

“I meant every word and if you choose to stick around, I’m one lucky bastard.”

**Author's Note:**

> Talk or send me a prompt in my [Bellarke trash can](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/)


End file.
